Clouds Roll By

Last week Avery graduated from kindergarten.

 This day had been something I thought about so much. When my children were babies I spent so much time thinking about the day when they would all be in school all day and they wouldn't need me anymore and I would be lonely and just go hide under the covers and be sad. Turns out, they still need me, quite a bit actually. Even though they have all brushed their teeth everyday since they had teeth, they still need me to remind them to do it each day, so there's that. Seriously though, time is weird.  I have a very vivid memory of being ten years old, standing outside the swimming pool waiting for my mom to come pick me up. I remember thinking, I'm ten, ten years hasn't felt that long and in ten more years I'll be twenty, so I don't have that much time to get my act together and be an adult. Now I have a my very own ten year old! When my kids were little I would get so excited for the next phase like, sleeping through the night, being potty trained, starting school. At the same time though, I would dread them getting older and leaving me. I love that I don't have babies anymore because I have more time for myself and having older kids gives us a lot more freedom to do a lot of fun things, BUT, just the other night I cried myself to sleep thinking about how grown up my baby is! See what I mean? Weird.  I pretty much held it together for the graduation. I cried, obviously, but I wasn't hysterical or anything. James saw the tears in my eyes, put his arm around me and whispered in my ear, "you know, we could have another kid I guess, if you want." I laughed, what a sweet guy. We thought about it and if we tried for a baby right now, in seven years we would be right back in school sitting through another kindergarten graduation. Savanna would be 17 (what?!), James and I would be half dead and I would still be crying when they sang that damn song from The Land Before Time! So, clouds roll by and so does time. All I can do is hold my babies tight each day get excited about what comes next.

Mother's Day

Last week on the radio I heard that a pole was taken of what a mom really wants for Mother's Day. The winner: alone time. I very much have to disagree! The thought of spending Mother's Day alone makes me so sad! This weekend was so special and fun because not only was it Mother's Day but also my birthday. Having my birthday fall so near to Mother's Day every year is so fun! I feel extra extra special and milk it for all it's worth, its true, I do. I thought about what I wanted to do for this very special weekend and all I wanted was to spend it with my family. We all went to the gym together, out to eat together, to church together, built Lego's together, ate some more, and it was awesome! I'll have alone time some other day, like this fall when all three of my kids are in school all day. How in the world did that happen already?! Anyway...

Every year on Mother's day I think about all the mothers in my life. My own mother who made sure I always knew how loved I was. My mother-in-law who welcomed me with open arms right from the start. My grandmother who taught me how important it is to cherish every moment in life. My sisters-in-law, the Aunts to my children, who have all helped me mother my own children and shared their sweet little ones with me. All of the many friends, teachers, coaches and neighbors who have played the part of mother to me and my kids over the years. Thank you for loving me and my kids. Thank you for stepping in to help and teach when I couldn't do it. Thank you for sharing your successes and failures as a mom. I love being able to talk about what challenges we face as mom's and how we are dealing with them, and the many joys of motherhood and how truly blessed we are.

This weekend I also got to visit with James's brother and his wife who have 6 week old twins. They waited a long time for those babies and it's so wonderful to see them as parents. Snuggling my little niece and talking with her parents brought back so many memories of early motherhood. I never had two at once, so it's not quite the same I know, but I remember all those things that they are going through right now. Feedings, diaper changes, gassy tummies, sleeping (or lack thereof rather), and the fact that the usual 4 hour drive from their home to James's parents home took 7 1/2 hours with two babies in tow. I remember being a new mom, being utterly exhausted but somehow able to stay awake and do it all anyway. I'm so excited for my sister-in-law and the crazy adventure she just hopped on. Motherhood is an amazing thing, it changes you in ways you could have never imagined. It is the hardest, most wonderful job in the world but it's so much more than that. It's no wonder that when you need advice or help one of the first people you think of is your own mother. I hope I am doing a good job and I strive to be even better each day so my kids will call me when they're grown up and somehow I can help. I hope everyone had an amazing Mother's Day!

A Real Family

 The last few weeks have been very busy, filled with all the end of school year field trips and events. Each night I have collapsed into bed at around 9:07completely exhausted. When my children were babies another mom said something to the effect of, "wait until they're older and in school, then you'll be busy".  I remember thinking, I am busy! And I was, but, she was right, NOW we are busy! As I lay in bed each night, I think of the day and smile because I am doing exactly what I always dreamed of doing.  All I ever wanted to do was be a mom. A stay at home, cook hot breakfast, pack home lunches, afternoons at the park, driving around to school, sports, fill-in-the blank activity, mom.  My home life as a kid was....not so great. Please, let me emphasize first though, my parents loved us and did the very best they could. We were always fed, clothed, and taken care of and I know there are many, many other families who have it far worse than we did, however, it was rough.  My parents struggled with their marriage and that fact was made very apparent to my brother and me. There was a lot of anger in my home. I always felt like we were just pretending to be a family. I would look at other families and wish my family could be like that. Of course, I never knew what struggles those families certainly had, but as a kid I wanted my family to be close and happy, like them. I remember one very specific night. My dad came home from work and announced we were all going to go have a family night and go bowling together. I remember it so clearly because that was something our family never did.  Don't get me wrong, we did lots of things, we went camping and rode motorcycles and had vacations, but it was almost always with just one parent and us kids. Very rarely did we all go out together as a whole unit. So this night was very special. I remember sitting in the bowling alley and looking around at the other families and hoping they would all see me, my family out together having a fun time, like a real family.  I wanted a real family. That is what I set all my future goals and dreams upon: having that family. As I grew up I realized that my parents had very real struggles and now, as a parent myself, I have so much gratitude for my mom and dad for taking care of  us as well as they did despite their personal battles. I love my parents, I really do and this is not about raking them through the coals, but I want to be completely honest. I wanted something better for myself and my children. My dreams came true when I met curly haired, red cheeked, 18 year old boy named James. We fell in love so fast and made plans for the future. My husband in an amazing father, the best any kid could ever, ever have. He works harder than anyone I know and goes way above and beyond to support his family. He is wonderful to me, he makes me laugh and has always told me how beautiful I am, even when I was pregnant with Savanna and weighed 200-ish pounds (ish meaning more than 200). My children are the most amazing kids in the whole wide world. They work so hard, they are super smart and funny and kind and loving. When we go out to do family time I still look around at the other families and want everyone to see me, my family out together having a fun time. Only this time, we aren't pretending, we are a real family.